I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
