just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
dude. I can hear the air.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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