her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize