I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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