Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Randomize