Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
