so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
