Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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