I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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