Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
