I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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