Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
