I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Randomize
