I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
