I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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