now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
