So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize