I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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