we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Randomize
