I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
