i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Randomize
