oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
