She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
