Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
My penis needs a shock collar
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
