what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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