Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I need a beard to bite.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
