I was born with a shot glass in my hand
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
They have beer where we have blood.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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