he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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