for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
