trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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