guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
