We're like a lot better than the average bears
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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