Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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