I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
