my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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