I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
