; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Randomize
