I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
