Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
