Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
