We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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