She is in my trunk
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Randomize