I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
