did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
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