I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
