Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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