Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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