My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I'm having to shit out rocks
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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