I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
