I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
