remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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