At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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