Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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