I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
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