Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
