I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
you win again, gameday.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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