Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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