3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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