i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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