I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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