She said her name was "party"
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
