I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
