his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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