I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Randomize
